This is a review of a product I bought with my own money. It was not supplied by anybody for purposes of a review and, if it was, I'd be punching them in the face for insulting me. You know this atomiser, everybody has heard of this atomiser, but (given the wholesale lack of honesty on YouTube) it's important someone adds a dose of reality.
First question: who the flip is Heathen anyway?
This is him...
You may know him from such YouTube videos as "This is an atomiser I designed", "Let's talk about the Dead Rabbit", and "Why my atomiser is better than anything else on the market". I'm not sure he's done anything else.
He is one of those Americans who claim to be Irish, which is around 93% of the population - 97% on St Patrick's Day. Heathen is different though; he watched Gangs Of New York and has taught himself to say "Exsoyted" instead of "excited" and "Oy" in place of "I" - just like Daniel Day-Lewis. Very clever.
And, like every other content creator(tm) out there, he has "designed" an atomiser. This atomiser:
Now, credit where its due, the gold-plated RDA looks good. The engraving is juicy and I love rabbits when they're dead. Our kids have six of the bastards but never look after them. Do you know who has to feed and water them every day, and clean them out at weekends? Me, that's bloody who.
Fucking rabbits. They're as stupid as the far-too-short drip tip.
The knurled cap is meant to make removing it easier. It doesn't, the rest of the cap isn't locked so it spins on its o-ring like the roundabout in The Magic Roundabout. Or any other roundabout or spinning thing come to that. Imagine a small child drunk on vodka, imagine their head as you put them to bed. That much spinning.
Note to Northamptonshire Social Services: I know, it was a mistake. I apologised and promised I'd never buy them bottles again.
The air intake holes were designed after he saw a red letterbox in an old Ealing comedy. Probably. It is meant to vent air downwards to the coils. It doesn't. Look at the waves as they move past a breakwater in a harbour. They curve.
If someone designed little flaps for the inside of arseholes, can you imagine the mess after every toilet trip? That.
The domed cap is a good idea, reducing volume increases the flavour, as a rule. But the location of the posts means that coils foul the cap if you try to get them anywhere near the airholes or raise them up so they get more airflow.
What you are left with is the choice between either a) making small coils, or b) locating the coils directly under the stupidly shallow 810 drip tip.
If you, like me, found option a) beyond pathetic for a dripper then you, like me, will have discovered the coil position only allows a stream of scalding hot liquid to fly up onto your tongue.
"Oh, you idiot," you might be saying. "Why didn't you try different builds?"
I did, you tosser. I tried many different builds because I'm sad and have nothing resembling a social life.
The spares kit is a spares kit.
But, to get to it, you'd better be in the running to be a contestant on the next series of The Crystal Maze.
"It looks like a box"
"Can you open it?"
"I'm not sure, there might be a hidden button"
"Is there a key in the room? Can you see a key?"
"I've tried hitting it and praying to an imaginary God of Boxes"
"Time's running out, try forcing it open"
"I can't, it just won't open [sobs]"
"Quick, quick - oh no, time's up"
NB: If you are a millennial and have no idea what The Crystal Maze is, simply replace this analogy with the difficulty you find in doing anything during waking hours. Yes, trust me, it's that difficult.
The thing cost me twenty-five pounds. OK, that's not even a scratch on the money I spend on heroin each day, but it would cover my next taxi trip to A&E after I overdose again.
And what would drive me to overdosing on heroin?
Trying to get a decent vape out of this fucking atomiser, that's what.
Seriously, content creators, stick your vanity projects up your collective arse. You are good at one thing, I'm not sure what it is because content and reviewing doesn't seem to be your forte, but you must have something. Maybe you have a great sticker collection? Maybe you can balance a spoon on your nose? Whatever it is, do that and not collaborations with Chinese manufacturers.
And everybody who posted videos telling me how awesome this thing was: fuck you, you soul-selling, cum-gargling arsewipes.
Conclusion: Just no.
First question: who the flip is Heathen anyway?
This is him...
You may know him from such YouTube videos as "This is an atomiser I designed", "Let's talk about the Dead Rabbit", and "Why my atomiser is better than anything else on the market". I'm not sure he's done anything else.
He is one of those Americans who claim to be Irish, which is around 93% of the population - 97% on St Patrick's Day. Heathen is different though; he watched Gangs Of New York and has taught himself to say "Exsoyted" instead of "excited" and "Oy" in place of "I" - just like Daniel Day-Lewis. Very clever.
And, like every other content creator(tm) out there, he has "designed" an atomiser. This atomiser:
Now, credit where its due, the gold-plated RDA looks good. The engraving is juicy and I love rabbits when they're dead. Our kids have six of the bastards but never look after them. Do you know who has to feed and water them every day, and clean them out at weekends? Me, that's bloody who.
Fucking rabbits. They're as stupid as the far-too-short drip tip.
The knurled cap is meant to make removing it easier. It doesn't, the rest of the cap isn't locked so it spins on its o-ring like the roundabout in The Magic Roundabout. Or any other roundabout or spinning thing come to that. Imagine a small child drunk on vodka, imagine their head as you put them to bed. That much spinning.
Note to Northamptonshire Social Services: I know, it was a mistake. I apologised and promised I'd never buy them bottles again.
The air intake holes were designed after he saw a red letterbox in an old Ealing comedy. Probably. It is meant to vent air downwards to the coils. It doesn't. Look at the waves as they move past a breakwater in a harbour. They curve.
If someone designed little flaps for the inside of arseholes, can you imagine the mess after every toilet trip? That.
The domed cap is a good idea, reducing volume increases the flavour, as a rule. But the location of the posts means that coils foul the cap if you try to get them anywhere near the airholes or raise them up so they get more airflow.
What you are left with is the choice between either a) making small coils, or b) locating the coils directly under the stupidly shallow 810 drip tip.
If you, like me, found option a) beyond pathetic for a dripper then you, like me, will have discovered the coil position only allows a stream of scalding hot liquid to fly up onto your tongue.
"Oh, you idiot," you might be saying. "Why didn't you try different builds?"
I did, you tosser. I tried many different builds because I'm sad and have nothing resembling a social life.
The spares kit is a spares kit.
But, to get to it, you'd better be in the running to be a contestant on the next series of The Crystal Maze.
"It looks like a box"
"Can you open it?"
"I'm not sure, there might be a hidden button"
"Is there a key in the room? Can you see a key?"
"I've tried hitting it and praying to an imaginary God of Boxes"
"Time's running out, try forcing it open"
"I can't, it just won't open [sobs]"
"Quick, quick - oh no, time's up"
NB: If you are a millennial and have no idea what The Crystal Maze is, simply replace this analogy with the difficulty you find in doing anything during waking hours. Yes, trust me, it's that difficult.
The thing cost me twenty-five pounds. OK, that's not even a scratch on the money I spend on heroin each day, but it would cover my next taxi trip to A&E after I overdose again.
And what would drive me to overdosing on heroin?
Trying to get a decent vape out of this fucking atomiser, that's what.
Seriously, content creators, stick your vanity projects up your collective arse. You are good at one thing, I'm not sure what it is because content and reviewing doesn't seem to be your forte, but you must have something. Maybe you have a great sticker collection? Maybe you can balance a spoon on your nose? Whatever it is, do that and not collaborations with Chinese manufacturers.
And everybody who posted videos telling me how awesome this thing was: fuck you, you soul-selling, cum-gargling arsewipes.
Conclusion: Just no.
