Shitty Wednesday Giveaway

[iqon]

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks
great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.

When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel,"he says, "George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel.
"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

 

[iqon]

Little kid has a red truck with a ladder tied to it, kids wearing a firemans helmet.
Fella goes up to the kid says "nice truck" then spots the kid has tied the truck to a dogs testicles.

It would go faster if you tied around the dogs neck, says the fella.
Kid says " yes but then I wouldn't have a siren"

 

[VapegunRay]

Two ladies in the bath together
One says, "Where's the long bar of soap?"
The other says, "It sure does"

 

[Michael jackson]

How do you cut a fossil.... with a dino-saw

 

[mick brown]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk

 

[mick brown]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

 

[Qwackers98]

Always gets a giggle.

Or

 

[mick brown]

I was in Tesco with my grandson last week, we became parted near the tinned fruits. He is quite a bright lad for 4, like his grandad, and managed to find the customer service lady and told her he had lost his grandad.

"What's he like" she asked him, he looked up at her with his serious face and replied "Stella Artois and girls with big tits"

 

[mick brown]

Sorry, I'll stop now. I was on a roll with corny jokes [emoji16]

 

[TartanSpartan]

MattyK is the closest so far with a guffaw
All the others maybe a slight chuckle

Rather than a cheesy joke maybe a funny thing that happened or something that will make me burst out laughing rather than groan